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HOW: 



A BOOK OF 



Manners and Social Customs. 




ROCHESTER, N. Y. 

SCRANTOM, WETMORE & CO., 

1894. 



HOW: 



A BOOK OF 



Manners and Social Customs, 



BY 

C. M. W. AND B. S. P. 






/ 



"Manners are the shadows of virtues, the momentary 
display of those qualities which our fellow creatures love 
and respect" —Sidney Smith. 

T rOCT £81893 

SCRANTOM, WETMORE & Co., PUBLI^fi^WASH^ 



ROCHESTER, N. Y. 



Uit^j 



X 




3 






COPYRIGHT BY 

SCRANTOM, WETMORE & CO. 

1893 




"Preface. 



T^VERYONE knows what not to do, socially. 
Everyone wishes to know how to do all things 
in a correct manner. It is the unwritten law of 
our American society with its varying tides, that 
many people assume conditions at middle age, 
unlike those of their childhood. For it is true of 
manners, as well as of language and all other human 
institutions, that the present, changes old usages. 



To attempt to read a large book on etiquette 
in this busy day and generation, is impossible for 



most of us. Recognizing this, it has been the aim 
of the compiler of this little volume to give in 
brief resume, the latest rules in regard to the 
conventional customs of society. 

"/•'< r manners art not idle, but the fruit 
Of loyal nature, and of noble mind." 




Sentents. 





PAGE. 


Calls, Cards and Receptions, 


9 


On the Street, 


22 


At Home, .... 


2 9 


At the Table, 


. 42 


Weddings, .... 


57 


Guests, .... 


. 64 


Lawn Parties and Flowers, 


68 


Debuts, 


• 73 


Chaperons, . . 


77 


Ladies' Luncheon Parties, 


. 81 


Rules and Maxims, . 


86 


Letter Writing, 


. 91 




Galls, Cards and Receptions. 



* 



"Manners are of more importance than Laws." — Burke. 






" To the unrefined or the underbred person the 
visiting card is but a trifling and insignificant bit of 
paper ; bat to the cultured disciple of social law it 
conveys a subtle and unmistakable intelligence. Its 
texture, style of engraving, and even the hour of 
leaving it, combine to place the stranger whose name 
it bears in a pleasant or disagreeable attitude, even 
before his manners, conversation and face have been 



io CALLS, CARDS AND RECEPTIONS. 

able to explain his social position The higher the 
civilization of a community, the more careful is it to 
preserve the elegance of its social forms." 

It was for a long time the custom to have the 
initials R S. V. R, engraved or written on all cards 
of invitation, but it is now generally understood 
that the usages of society require that an invitation 
shall be answered without delay, and that it would 
be the greatest neglect not to do bo : hence, the 
form of using these initials is unnecessary, and has 
the appearance of reminding a person of their duty. 

A card sent by a messenger or by mail is equiva- 
lent to a call. This formal observance is only ad- 
hered to in foreign cities, or in our National Capitol, 
Washington, where personal calls would demand 
too much time. The yearly call should be made in 



CALLS, CARDS AND RECEPTIONS. n 

person. Cards may be sent by mail when one is 
leaving town, and has no time for a formal visit. 

Social visits are nearly obsolete. All sociability 
is largely confined to receptions, lunches, five o'clock 
teas, etc. ; that is, the more formal visits. The 
reason for this is obvious ; in our crowded cities and 
busy life, we have no time for protracted visits 
as in the olden time. 

If one cannot call on the reception days, apolo- 
gize for calling at another time, perhaps giving 
as a reason, that so many ladies have the same day, 
that all cannot be reached. 

It is better to have a smaller circle of acquaint- 
ances, and have time to enjoy their society. 

A first call should be returned within a week. 
This is a formal acknowledgment of a courteous 



[2 CALLS, CARDS AND RECEPTIONS. 

attention. [f, for any reason the acquaintance can- 
not be continued, it may be dropped after the first 
call lias been returned. Do not omit that, however. 

In making a first call of the season, a lady 
should leave her own card and that of her husband, 
and other members of her family if she chooses. 
The latest authorities agree that the habit of leav- 
ing a card for each member of the family has been 
relegated to that mysterious realm u where our 
dropped follies sleep.'' If there is a stranger visit- 
ing in a house, this rule does not apply, as a card is 
always left for a guest ; or, if there are a number of 
women in a family, two or even three cards may be 
left, but never more than three. 

It is not necessary to call after a reception if one 
has attended it, or has left or sent a card on that 



CALLS, CARDS AND RECEPTIONS. 13 

day. This rule is distinctly given in every authori- 
tative book on social customs, yet, women in small, 
provincial cities persist in violating it by calling 
after a reception. Make your call within a week 
after all formal entertainments, such as dinner- 
parties, evening wedding receptions, balls, etc. ; but 
your card given to a servant on entering, at a 
reception, afternoon tea, or a kettle drum, is enough. 
It cancels your obligation. These afternoon func- 
tions are time-saving devices, as some one has said, 
worthy of John Stuart Mill himself. If an invited 
man cannot be present at an afternoon affair, the 
wife, mother or sister leaves one card of her own and 
two of his, where there is a host as well as an 
hostess. 

It is a pleasant custom to have an evening every 
week to give to one's friends, having a light refresh- 



i 4 (AM 3 AND RECEPTIONS. 

incut served, a cap of chocolate and thin bread and 
butter, or of coffee and eake. 

When it is understood season after season that a 
lady has a certain evening for her friends, her home 
becomes a favorite place, where there is little cere- 
mony and where one finds those they wish to meet 

Cards with the names of husband and wife, as 
u Mr. and Mrs. L 0. Smith," engraved on one card 
are used as cards of condolence or congratulation, 
but not as visiting cards. 



o 



A lady should always inform her servant if she is 
not to see visitors, as it is very annoying to be seated 
in the parlor and then be told that the lady of the 
house cannot see you. 



CALLS, CARDS AND RECEPTIONS. 15 

A gentleman is not expected to call on a lady 
unless invited to do so. She can do this in a very- 
simple way, as, " I hope we shall see yon," or some- 
thing of that kind. 

Never take a gentleman's hat or coat when he 
calls ; allow him to take care of them. 

When and where to leave a card is often a vexed 
question in this day, when sociability is carried on 
so largely through this medium. 

P. P. C. cards are left when one is going out of 
town for a length of time ; they may be sent by mail. 

In giving an invitation, if the lady's card who 
sends the invitation, is enclosed, it is the same as if 
she had called. 



16 CALLS, CARDS AND RECEPTIONS. 

When B young lady first enters society, lier card 
should be left with that of her mother, or her name 
engraved on the same card with her mother s. 

A call should be made, or a card sent within a 
week after an invitation, whether the invitation is 
accepted or not. 

When a lady has been absent for a length of 
time, it is proper on her return, to leave cards 
at the homes of her friends and acquaintances. 
Every lady should keep a calling list or visiting 
book. 

It is customary, when the birth of a child occurs, 
to send to friends (enclosed in a small envelope) a 
tiny card with the name of the child and date of 
birth engraved upon it. This may be accompanied 



CALLS, CARDS AND RECEPTIONS. 17 

by a card, with, the name of the parents, as, " Mr. 
and Mrs. R Smith," if they choose. 

Washington is the only city where new comers 
call on the residents. In all other cities and towns 
the residents call on the new comer. Washington 
people greatly prefer their custom, but the usages of 
society there cannot, with propriety, be applied to 
any other city. 

Yisiting cards should always have the title, 
whether it be Mr. or Mrs., engraved before the 
name ; men do not always observe this. 

It is customary for ladies who have a certain day 
for receiving their friends, to pass coffee or chocolate 
with cake, thin bread and butter, or wafers. It is 
pleasant any time for a lady to have something to 



i8 CALLS, CARDS AND RECEPTIONS. 

offer a guest ; a glass of lemonade, a cup of bouillon 
or some confection. Wine is to be shunned. It is 
more hospitable to offer some refreshment. We do 
less of this here than in any other country. 

If women are to have any time to devote to their 
favorite pursuit or study — such as music, art, 
embroidery, painting or writing, or for charitable 
work, they cannot have the time broken up by 
promiscuous visiting. So, from necessity, visiting 
becomes formal. Ladies should never be over- 
dressed in receiving at home. 

If a caller is not certain that her hostess knows 
her name, she should be sure to speak it. Never 
give your card to a member of the family, even in 
making a first call. Mention your name if it is 
unknown, and leave your formal card on the hall 



CALLS, CARDS AND RECEPTIONS. 19 

table. The rule is to give your card to a servant, 
but never to your hostess. 

" Miss " should always be engraved on a young 
lady's card before her name. 

A first visit should never be returned by card,, 
unless the lady is in mourning. 

It is no longer good form to turn down the corner 
of a card. A plain card, engraved, is in the best 
taste. The name written on the card is allowable, 
but never use a printed card. The engraved card 
varies in size, and often in shape, script, and address. 
In Boston the latest form is to have the address in 
the left-hand corner, and the reception day, where 
there is one, in the right. The left-hand corner is 
the formal place for all addresses in notes of cere- 



2o CALLS, CARDS AND RECEPTIONS. 

uioiiy, and it is becoming the law in cards as well. 
Do not have the city engraved on the card, unless 
it is for business, or foreign use. 

When a gentleman has been invited by a lady to 
call, he should accept the invitation within a week ; 
it would be a mark of ill-breeding not to do so. A 
second call would be optional with him. In some 
countries in Europe gentlemen call the day follow- 
ing an invitation. 

When calling, a man should leave his over- 
coat, overshoes and umbrella in the hall, but keep 
his hat and stick with him, in the left hand, or place 
them upon the floor near his chair. When visiting 
a house often, he may take the liberty of leaving his 
hat in the hall. 



CALLS, CARDS AND RECEPTIONS. 21 

In calling on a friend who may be visiting where 
you are unacquainted with the members of the 
family, never ask for your friend without sending 
in your card also for the hostess. It is considered 
especially rude to enter another person's home with- 
out recognizing their presence. 

Calls of condolence, or of congratulation, should 
be made in person if possible. Ask for your friend, 
and send your card in by a servant if you do not 
expect to enter yourself. 



II 



Sn the Street. 






41 We'll wander thro' the streets and note the quality 
of the people." 






YTiierever you are, respect the rights of others, 
whether on a crowded street in a car or omnibus, 
or in a public assembly. 

It is ill-bred to be boisterous or loud in any place. 
Young ladies should not be seen on the street too 
often : it makes them seem common. 



ON THE STREET. 23 

Foreigners have too much reason for thinking 
that our young girls are bold and familiar and have 
no dignity. 

In meeting people on the street, always take the 
right ; if this is observed no awkward scene will 
occur. 

It is rude to push or jostle against people ; always 
T^e ready with a "beg pardon," if you accidentally 
push against another. 

Gentlemen should raise the hat to ladies of their 
acquaintance when they meet on the street, and in 
the halls and stairways of hotels. 

When meeting a gentleman you know, who is 
accompanied by a lady, the hat should be raised, 



24 ON THE STREET. 

whether you know the lady or not If in a street 
car or omnibus you pass the fare for a lady, the hat 
should be raised, and for any little service you may 
render her. Deference toward women everywhere 
is a mark of refinement and gentlemanliness. 

Introductions should not be hastily given. Intro- 
ductions on the street may not be taken as formal, 
and the acquaintance may, or may not, be kept up, 
just as it is found to be agreeable. Authorities 
differ as to whether the man or the woman should 
bow first on meeting after an introduction. Eecent 
custom abroad requires an acknowledgment by 
either person on meeting, as sometimes one or the 
other may have forgotten a face, or may be short- 
sighted, or even absent-minded. Common sense 
rules tell each one to slightly recognize the other 
and thus avoid offense or unintentional slight 



ON THE STREET. 25 



A habit of continually gadding abroad, in search 
of amusement, will give one a restlessness of temper 
which will be difficult if not impossible to overcome 
in after years. Never form the habit of carrying to 
your friends the last bit of scandal or idle gossip. 

" Though it be honest, it is never good to bring 
bad news." " Let ill tidings tell themselves." 

Quiet dress on the street is in the best taste. The 
French used to accuse the women of our land of 
wearing colors that " swore at one another." But 
the foreign simplicity and quiet street dressing have 
been already happily adopted in America by all 
3ultivated women. 



Some women have correct taste intuitively. 
rhey know without thinking what is pretty and 



26 ON THE STREET. 

becoming, while others have no conception of this, 
and take the word of the modiste as law. 

No matter how much money a woman may 
spend on her dress, if it is not in good taste, she 
is dowdy and vulgar in appearance. Every one 
should study what is becoming to her style and 
not adopt a style because it is the fashion, with 
nothing more to recommend it. 

Never dress conspicuously. Avoid being over- 
dressed anywhere. Men have always adhered to 
better standards in regard to dress, than women. 
Their business suits are as well adapted as a 
birds plumage. No one thinks of meeting a man 
on a business street in a dress suit Yet women 
wear diamonds in the daytime with their street 
gowns, with misapplied taste, The English rule [ 



ON THE STREET. 27 



for dress coats and full dress in general, is, wait 
until after six o'clock. Do not wear a low cut 
gown at an afternoon tea ; save it for evening. 

The Princess 4 of Wales, who has unerring taste 
in all matters of dress, used to appear at London 
tally-ho parties in a suit of navy-blue cloth. A 
woman, who has been accustomed to seeing her 
rwith her three young daughters from their child- 
hood, has never seen these high-born girls in a silk 
gown in public. Emerson tells us that " simplicity 
is elegance." This applies to dress as well as to 
(Other things. 

■ Be scrupulously neat in attire. Gloves, ribbons 
and handkerchiefs should be fresh and of the dain- 
tiest sort. 

Laces should be confined to the house. 



28 ON THE STREET. 

Cultivate cheerfulness at all times. Do not talk 
about yourself, or your aches, pains, poor servants, 
or other personal topics. Leave such things to 
women who have nothing else to talk about Al- 
ways be civil and courteous to everyone and be 
quick to render a favor to the aged and decrepit. 
11 Small service is true service while it lasts." 

"If every one would see to his own reformation, 
How very easily you might reform a nation.' 1 

Old Rhymes. 




Ill 



si^t 2Kome. 






" Winning Ways and habitual courtesy, make their way 



to all hearts." 






When people are invited to a house it should be 
considered proper to speak to any person present 
without an introduction. People are sometimes 
over-nice in regard to this, and it amounts to rude- 
ness It is ill-bred to resent being spoken to because 
no introduction has taken place, when all are invited 



30 AT HOME. 



guests. Conversation should be as easy and natural 
as if their names had been formally spoken. 

In introductions, always present the gentleman to 
the lady. No gentleman should be introduced to a 
lady without her permission, and no lady should be 
introduced to another unless they have been asked 
if it is agreeable. 

At a dinner party, the hostess should introduce 
to the ladies the gentlemen who are to take them to 
dinner. An invitation to dinner should always be 
sent by a private messenger. All other invitations 
and cards may be sent by mail. 

An answer to an invitation to dinner must be 
immediately returned in the same manner it is sent 
After a dinner a personal visit should be made 
within a week. 



AT HOME. 31 



Because a woman has not a large house, she 
should not feel that she cannot give luncheons or 
dinners. A small house, where everything is dainty 
and in good taste, is often more attractive than the 
more pretentious. We take, as a matter of course, 
the large parties and balls of the wealthy, but the 
select, tastefully arranged luncheon or musicale, in a 
cozy home, is refreshing and enjoyable, partly from 
the simplicity and good cheer. 

Bring together people of similar tastes and sym- 
pathies, and you have the pleasantest sort of com- 
pany. It is not the display that one can make that 
pleases people, it is the feeling of good fellowship. 

Emerson says: "Fashion is good sense enter- 
taining company; it hates corners, and sharp points 
of character ; hates quarrelsome, egotistical, solitary 



AT HOME. 



and gloomy people; hates whatever can interfere 
with total blending of parties, while it values all 
particularities as in the highest degree refreshing, 
which can consist with good fellowship." 

If one is naturally critical and harsh in judg- 
ment, he should make great efforts to overcome 
that disposition. 

A cynic is always to be dreaded. 

Do not keep all the pleasant things you can say 
of your friends until they are dead. It cheers many 
heavy hearts to tell them of their virtues. It need 
not be flattery. 

The Chinese have a proverb that tells us " to be 
cheerful while we may, for we shall be a long time 
dead." 



AT HOME. 33 



The home should be the place for all kind and 
pleasant sayings. 

Do not talk slang. Never talk in a loud and 
boisterous tone, and on the other hand, do not be 
dull and without spirit ; have a bright way of say- 
ing things without being pert. 

On entering a room where there is company, com- 
mence talking in a spirited way at once. Don't 
wait for the mood to come, or you will be embar- 
rassed and awkward. Commence just as if you 
had left the person five minutes before. You need 
not wait to be seated, one often feels more at ease 
while standing. 

Many people suffer from shyness. Do not think 
about yourself if you are sensitive and shy; try to 
keep some one else in mind, or some subject; forget 



34 AT HOME. 



self ; try not to seem nervous ; have repose in every- 
thing. 

Some of the best men and women are bashful and 
Bhy. It is simply self-consciousness and very diffi- 
cult to overcome. 

Mingle more in society; nothing cures shyness so 
quickly as meeting people in society. You cannot 
reason self-consciousness away, no matter how wise 
you are. To mingle with people at dinners, lunch- 
eons, indeed everywhere, is the way to best effect a 
cure. Avoid being solitary. 

Hawthorne knew what a shy, sensitive person can 
suffer; he never overcame the dread of meeting 
people, and would do anything to avoid seeing 
strangers. By not overcoming this while young, he 
suffered all his life. 



AT HOME. 35 



Those who are awkward and timid should remem- 
ber that some of our first men have suffered a great 
part of their lives from this. 

Try to be courteous and pleasant to all. Avoid 
extremes ; be neither too cold and formal on the one 
hand, nor too effusive and familiar on the other. 

The foundation and root of politeness is " doing 
to others as you would be done by." 

It is a sign of ill -breeding to be indifferent, or 
to have a want of consideration for the feelings 
of others. 

The habitual use o£ courtesy will oil the wheels 
of life for you. 

Examine every part of your conduct toward 
others, by supposing an exchange of places. "Good 



36 AT HOME. 



manners are the expressions of benevolence, in per- 
sonal intercoms Always try to promote the 
comfort and enjoyment of others. 

The manners and habits of parents are, to a great 
extent, transmitted to children. 

We should never think it is of little consequence 
how we behave at home, if we are only polite else- 
where. Persons who arc careless and ill-bred at 
home may imagine they can assume good manners 
when in society, but it is a mistake. Fixed habits 
of tone, manner and language, cannot be so sud- 
denly changed. 

Precedence should always be given to the older 
members of the family. 

Children should be required to offer their parents 
and superiors in age or station the easy chair, the 



AT HOME. 37 



warm corner, and always with a respectful manner. 
This respectful deference to parents has become 
nearly obsolete. It is to be deplored that it should 
be one of the lost arts. 

Courtesy toward parents should be carefully 
cherished; the tone and manner should indicate 
respect. None so ready as young children to as- 
sume airs of equality. 

Every act of kindness and attention should be 
acknowledged. If one is obliged to step before 
another, ask their pardon. 

Do not notice personal defects. Never allude to 
the faults of others or the faults of their friends. 

Never speak disparagingly of the sect or party to 
which a person belongs. 



38 AT HOME. 



It is ill-bred to be inattentive when a person is 
talking to you. Never contradict ; if you think dif- 
ferently express it kindly. Never be dogmatical. 

Avoid all personal habits in public, such as the 
use of the handkerchief, the tooth-pick, or the fing- 
ers for a comb, etc. Remember that there is a place 
for all things, and attend to such personal matters 
in privacy. This was taught by the old-fashioned 
New England mothers, w T ho passed the children 
in review each morning, with such questions as: 
11 Have you attended to your teeth, your ears and 
your nostrils, my dear? If not, you can retire and 
do so." 

On the other hand, to bear patiently with defects 
in manners, and to make allowance for want of ad- 
vantages, is one mark of good breeding. 



AT HOME. 39 



Never refer to your own trials and afflictions. 
Talk to others of their own affairs, and they will 
like you better if you are interested in what belongs 
to them. 

Never interrupt a person while talking, no matter 
how important what you have to say may be. 

• If there is anything you can do to contribute to 
the pleasure of the company you are in, do not 
refuse. If asked to sing, or play, or read, do it 
cheerfully, if in your power. If it is impossible, 
refuse politely, but decidedly. Do not hesitate and 
after being repeatedly urged, comply. 

It is not good form to urge people after they have 
refused. 

If you are relating an anecdote, don't give all 
particulars and be tiresome; get to the point. You 



4 o AT HOME. 



can take the pith out of any story by going into all 
the detaila 

In general conversation, go from one subject to 
another with ease and rapidity. Some people have 
a habit of sticking to a subject, until it is thread- 
bare. 

It is very bad taste to be captious, fault-finding, 
and suspicious. 

If one tries to be pleased, he will find much to 
please him. 

It is said, and with much truth, that correct man- 
ners will go for more in society than education or 
wealth. 

True refinement shows itself in the small courte- 
sies of life, and is quick to acknowledge all civilities. 



AT HOME. 41 



Emerson says : " Sterling fashion understands 
itself; good breeding and personal superiority, of 
whatever country, readily fraternize with those of 
every other. Good sense, character and strong will 
are her ministers. Deference to riches or to position 
forfeits all privilege of nobility in her ranks.'* 

Ruskin says, that " Wherever we find premeditated 
rudeness, there will be found either low birth or 
some defect in early training, with that coarseness 
of nature which breeds vulgarity. It is impossible 
for a true gentleman to be habitually rude." 




IV 



^t the Table. 



* 



11 Cleopatra is said to have owed her empire over Caesar, 
as much to her suppers as to her beauty." 

* 

" The straight way to a man's heart is through his 
stomach." 

11 Manners make the man," said Lord Chesterfield, 
and no where can good-breeding so readily be seen 
as at the table. 



Mothers cannot commence too young to train 
their children in table manners. 



AT THE TABLE. 43 

Confucius says that each one should conduct 
limself at his own table as though it were that 
of his king, or he will never be at ease in a palace. 

Eat slowly, and with the mouth closed. Use the 
napkin carefully, and place it partly unfolded upon 
the lap. A man lays it across the left knee. 

Modern table manners tell us to leave the knife 
and fork on the plate when passing it at an infor- 
mal dinner for a second helping. Fewer things are 
served on the plate than formerly, and it is no longer 
considered good form to hold a knife and fork in 
your hand when waiting to be served, as a dexter- 
ous carver can avoid displacing them. An Ameri- 
can woman who has dined in many foreign lands 
says she never once saw this provincial custom ob- 
served abroad. 



44 AT THE TABLE. 

Crackers or bread should not be broken into the 
soup ; break off bits and put into the mouth. 

Vegetables should never be eaten with a spoon 
when a fork can be used. 

English people serve strawberries with the stems 
on ; they are taken in the fingers, and dipped into 
sugar and eaten. 

It is not an easy thing to eat an orange gracefully. 
Some make or cut a place at the stem and eat the 
juice with a spoon ; others peel and quarter them or 
divide them as they naturally grow. 

Always eat grapes behind the hand, so as to catch 
stones and skins without being seen. 

Menu cards are not used at luncheons. Conver- 
sation should be a part of table manners. 



AT THE TABLE. 45 

The modern dinner has become quite a formid- 
able affair for the ordinary housewife. 

Dinner parties given on Sunday are not consid- 
ered good form in the best society, says "Sensible 
Etiquette." When a friend or two are invited to 
dine on Sunday it is an informal way. 

Well-trained servants are a necessity, if the host- 
ess is to have any ease of mind. When a lady is 
sure that her servants can go through with course 
after course, quietly and orderly, without a mistake, 
she can enjoy her guests. 

If any accident happens in connection with the 
table service, do not as hostess notice it by the 
slightest look. It mars the equanimity of both 
servants' and guests, and renders the former more 
nervous. Eemember the poet's injunction then, and 



46 AT THE TABLE. 

"be mistress of yourself though china fall." If it is 
a guest who commits an error be equally blind. One 
of the very plcasantest things ever told of the Prince 
of Wales is related by a guest at a state dinner, 
where the Prince was host. A foreign attache 
poured his coffee into his saucer, and was covered 
with confusion upon observing the smiles of some 
of the guests about him. The Prince quietly poured 
out his own coffee and drank it from his saucer, 
continuing his conversation as usual, and never once 
glancing at the perplexed young officer. 

No lady should undertake more than she can 
carry out well. Never invite more than you can 
make comfortable. A crowded table is uncomfort- 
able in the extreme. Unless too great display is 
undertaken, one servant, well trained, can wait on a 
table of ten. 



AT THE TABLE. 47 

Invitations to dinner should be given a week or 
fortnight before, and they should be accepted or 
declined immediately. 

Cards should be placed in the hall with the names 
of the gentlemen and the ladies they are to take to 
dinner. If not acquainted, ask the hostess for an 
introduction. 

Dinner tables have become works of art. The 
beautiful hand-painted china in endless variety of 
shapes ; the glass, the silver, the wax candles in 
silver candelabra ; the mirrors in the centre to re- 
flect the choicest flowers ; the favors in bewildering 
form and beauty, all contribute to make it a fairy 
scene. 

The custom of serving from the sideboard, a la 
Rtisse, is becoming more general. In this case only 



AT THE TABLE. 

the knives, forks and spoons for each course are laid 
with it The oyster fork is often served across the 
dish. When dinners are served in courses from the 
table, all table utensils should be laid on the right 
and left, never across the table. " Thank heaven 
that I have reached my last fork," whispered a 
gentleman nervously to his neighbor at a fashion- 
able dinner party. Be sure not to take the wrong 
fork or spoon. 

On a side-table should be placed the finger-bowls 
with a plate and doyley for each. The cups and 
saucers should be on this table also. 

Servants should always go to the left of the 
guest, so that the dish may be taken with the right 
hand. 



AT THE TABLE. 49 

Oysters on the half -shell or on oyster plates are 
served first Then soup and fish. Eoasts and game 
are followed by the salad, with or without cheese ; 
then comes the dessert, after which the plate with 
doyley and finger-bowl is placed before every one. 

Preserved ginger is very nice for a course before 
coffee, and after fruit. Black coffee in small cups 
is the last course. 

The hostess rises, which is a sign for all to do so ; 
if gentlemen remain they are seated again when the 
ladies repair to the drawing-room. 

Favors in endless variety are given at dinner; 
fabulous prices are sometimes paid for them ; bas- 
kets of elegant flowers, reticules of French confec- 



5 o AT THE TABLE. 

tions, etc., are used for both luncheon and dinner as 
favors. Fans, bags, toys, painted ribbons, painted 
cards, everything either simple or elaborate. Ladies 
often paint their own favors. 

Ladies living in the country should not attempt 
dinners as elaborate as those in town, for they have 
not, and cannot obtain, the appliances for doing 
this. More simplicity is expected in the country, 
but there are many accessories that will make any 
dinner or any meal attractive. 

In the first place, the dining-room should be 
cheerful — the windows wide open to enjoy the sun- 
shine and the landscape. 

Hard wood floors are preferable to carpets, and 
rugs scattered about are a great addition. 



AT THE TABLE. 51 

Damask as pure as snow is preferred for the table 
on all occasions. The colored cloth, emblematic of 
the boarding-house, has had its day. 

Always have flowers on the table if possible. 
Wild flowers are pretty, and very suggestive of sun- 
shine and pure air. 

The flower garden affords an endless variety, and 
they last into the fall. The gay annuals are at their 
best late in the season. The brilliant nasturtium is 
in its glory until frost comes. 

The vegetable garden is a never-ending source of 
pleasure to the ingenious housewife. Numberless 
varieties of salads, so delicious in warm weather, 
may be made with the fresh crisp lettuce ; the ripe 
tomatoes, and the sweet peas, green corn and cauli- 
flower tempt the most delicate appetite. 



g* AT THE TABLE. 

Fruit and melons should be used freely. 

Sweet cream can be used in making eustards, 
charlottes, whipped cream and ice cream. All are 
delicate and delightful deserts, and if life in the 
country is not Paradise, it certainly affords the 

Ambrosia. 

Platter tray cloths and embroidered doylies take 
the place of table mats. These are made in a variety 
of ways. A piece of heavy linen may be fringed 
or hem-stitched on the edge, and a pretty design 
stamped for etching. Or, heavier ones can be 
found at the stores with designs already stamped 
on them. 

Napkins should be thoroughly aired. The damp, 
greasy napkin, so often found at hotels, will take 
away the appetite of any delicate person. Never 
fold a napkin at a dinner party. 



AT THE TABLE. 53 

" The napkin has played famous parts in the for- 
tunes of men and women. It was one of the points 
admired in Marie Stuart, that, thanks to her ex- 
quisite breeding in the Court of Marie de Medici, 
her table was more imposing than the full Court of 
her great rival and executioner, Elizabeth. At the 
table of the latter the rudest forms were maintained, 
the dishes were served on the table, and the great 
queen helped herself to the platter without fork or 
spoon, a page standing behind her with a silver 
ewer to bathe her fingers after she had taken the 

flesh from the roasts." 

I 

" At the Court of the Empire, Eugenie was ex- 
cessively fastidious. The use of a napkin and the 
manner of eating an egg made or ruined the career 
of a guest. The great critic, Saint Beuve, was dis- 
graced, and left off the visiting list, because, at a 



54 AT THE TABLE. 

breakfast with the Emperor and Empress at the 
Tuileries, he carelessly opened his napkin and 
spread it over his knees, and cut his egg in two 
in the middle. The court etiquette prescribed that 
the half-folded napkin should lie on the left knee, 
to be used in the least obtrusive manner in touch- 
ing the lips, and the egg was to be merely broken 
on the larger end with the edge of the spoon and 
drained with its tip." — From "Sensible Etiquette." 

Dishes garnished with capers, water cresses, or 
parsley, are very attractive, and a plain dish of 
hashed meat or potatoes, garnished with hard boiled 
eggs and parsely, is very tempting. A little care 
and taste adds much to a plain meal. 

What to eat with the fork : All vegetables ex- 
cept asparagus; croquettes, patties and salads; fish, 



AT THE TABLE. 55 

oysters, and shellfish if devilled or scalloped; all 
"made dishes ; " pastry and cake with soft fillings; 
all soft, moist cheese; lettuce with mayonnaise 
dressing. 

What to eat with the fingers : Radishes, olives, 
salted almonds, pickles and asparagus ; lettuce served 
with salt ; strawberries with the hulls on ; peaches, 
pears, plums and apricots, peeled and eaten in 
quarters ; muffins, toast, small cakes and all hard 
cheese. 

Lump sugar is often taken with the fingers to 
prevent falling with a splash from the sugar-tongs. 

It is equally condemned and advocated as to 
whether one can with propriety take the wings and 
legs of birds in the fingers. At all recent fashion- 
able luncheons it has repeatedly been done. 



56 AT THE TABLE. 

Servants should always be neat and tidy in ap- 
pearance. Neatness is a great virtue in theriL 
Long white aprons and white caps should be worn 
by the housemaid. 

Always require the servant to answer the bell at 
once. Nothing is more annoying than to be kept 
waiting at the door while the servant takes her 
time. 

Be kind, but not familiar, with servants. Teach 
them to move quietly about — to wear light shoes. 
The adage that used to be applied to children should 
apply to them — "servants should be seen and not 
heard." Neatness and good manners are essential 
to their efficiency. 




r \ATeddiTU 



is. 



* #• 
* 



4 Unless you can swear, for life, for death, 
Oh, fear to call it loving.' * 

— Mrs. Browning. 






" A love affair must either be sober earnest, or 
contemptible nonsense; it must be a thing with 
which you have no business at all, or it must be the 
most serious business of your life." 



An engagement of marriage should be announced 
soon after its consummation. This may be done in 
different ways. Sometimes a party is given by the 



5 s WEDDINGS. 



mother of the young lady, when congratulations are 
id order; or the family conveys the news to a few 
intimate friends, and it is then soon known. It is 
customary for the mother of the groom to invite the 
bride-elect and her family to a dinner soon after the 
announcement 

More latitude is allowed in this country than in 
England between a newly engaged couple. There 
no young lady is permitted to ride alone with her 
fiance, nor attend any public entertainment without 
a chaperon. 

In our best society the English etiquette is ob- 
served to a wide extent, but always with the slight 
modification that marks our transplanted American 

manners. 



WEDDINGS. 59 



Young ladies should remember that gentlemen re- 
spect those who are particular not to allow expense 
to be incurred for them too often, or in too large an 
amount. 

About three weeks before the wedding a young 
lady should leave her card at the homes of her 
acquaintances ; a call is not expected. 

Wedding cards should be sent about two weeks 
before the wedding; the style of invitations vary 
with the fashions of the day. 

Day weddings are nearly the same as evening 
weddings, only the dress suit must be omitted in 
the day time. 

A morning wedding, where only the personal 
friends of the family are invited, is often preferred 
to the public display of large weddings. 



6o WEDDINGS. 



The making of wedding presents has come to be 

an i rive and often a burdensome affair. The 

extravagant display is not in the best taste, and is 
often omitted altogether in the most exclusive cir- 
cles, the intimate friends only being admitted to a 
" private view." 

Presents may be elegant and costly, or simple 
and unpretentious. Gifts which are the work of 
a friend, as paintings, embroidery, etc., are often 
valued more highly than those purchased, because 
it shows personal work and interest of the friend. 

Presents are sent weeks before the time of the 
wedding, and are generally sent from the place 
where they are purchased, with the giver's card. 

The young lady should always acknowledge 
these gifts with a pretty note of thanks. By over. 



WEDDINGS. 61 



looking this, friends have sometimes been made 
enemies. 

The English custom of the bridal couple going 
away in their own carriage is followed to a certain 
extent in this country of late. Instead of taking 
the train for the bridal tour in their own city or 
town, it is becoming quite fashionable to drive to 
some distant railway station, a half day's ride or 
more, to take the train. 

To bring good luck, there is an old custom of 
sending a shower of slippers and rice after the 
bridal couple as they leave, and if the carriage is 
hit it is an omen of good. 

The bridal tour may be dispensed with now with- 
out being considered peculiar. Some fashionable 






62 WEDDINGS. 



people Btay away only two or three dayfi and then 
appear in society. 

Jt is customary for either the bride or groo;. 
give presents to the bridesmaids, and also I 
usher. 

It will be a relief to many a sensitive young lady 
to know that the old custom of every one kissing 
the bride is obsolete. It should have been long ago. 
Only near relatives are expected to do this. 

A day should be set for the bride to receive her 
friends. No refreshments are required, but it is 
more hospitable to pass tea and cake, chocolate or 
bouillon. These may be passed to guests while 
they are chatting, by a waitress, or by one of the 
family. This custom is a pleasant one for any lady 
who has a certain day for receiving. 



WEDDINGS. 63 



The author of " Sensible Etiquette " says : "After 
marriage, both husband and wife should remember 
that it is in home companionship that deference is 
most needed to lift the dullness out of our lives, and 
send the light of poetry into the heaviness of little 
cares ; that in the home circle the forms of courtesy 
are by far the most precious, filling the atmosphere 
of daily existence with their fragrance." 




vr 

Quests. 






4 An agreeable, gentle, and courteous manner is a fortune." 






The English are acknowledged to be the best hosts 
in the world. They understand how to let a guest 
alone. 

When they invite guests for a week or more they 
name the day and hour they shall come, and also 
the time when they are expected to leave. This is 
a point that should be well guarded. The host or 



GUESTS. 65 






hostess may have reasons which they cannot ex- 
plain, why their guests should not prolong their 
visit, and to remain beyond the time for which one 
is invited is a great mark of ill-breeding. 

The host should tell his guest in the morning 
what pleasures he may enjoy during the day — rid- 
ing, driving, or whatever it may be — and leave him 
to walk or ride, or do nothing, as he pleases, ex- 
pecting to meet him at dinner. 

The guest is not neglected, neither is he over- 
whelmed with constant and unremitting attentions, 
Such liberty is charming. 

The truest hospitality, is to give the guest the free- 
dom of doing what he pleases. 



66 GUESTS. 



Do not appear to be entertaining him. Perform 
your every-day duties as usual, after providing for 
his comfort. 

The guest should be strictly punctual at meals, 
for the drive — everywhere. " Punctuality is the 
politeness of kings." 

If a guest is invited where the hostess is not ac- 
quainted, it is proper for him to go alone, but be 
sure to give the hostess due notice, so that her plans 
will not be disarranged. 

The guest should be allowed to refuse invitations 
to visit with the hostess, when he is not acquainted 

Visiting may be the most laborious work one can 
do. To feel obliged to keep up conversation con- 



GUESTS. 67 



tinually, from morning until night, for days or weeks, 
is more than the nervous organization of the present 
generation can endure. 

The most agreeable hospitality is that which puts 
the guest entirely at ease. This can never be the 
case when the guest sees that the order of family 
arrangement is essentially altered, and that time, 
comfort and convenience are sacrificed for his 
accom modation. 

A guest should be given perfect freedom to act 
his own pleasure. All have not the same tastes. 
On the other hand, it is rudeness on the part of the 
guest not to seem pleased with whatever is provided 
for his entertainment, and he should enter into every 
pleasure with zest Use tact in all things ; it will 
often serve you better than talent 







VII 



£awn IParties and Flowers. 






'There's Rosemary, that's for remembrance ; 
And pansies, that's for thoughts." 






Given, a fine day, a green lawn, shade trees, flow 
ers, and something to eat, and an oat-door-party is 
sure to be a success. Who does not -enjoy the pure 
air and bright sunshine, with a fine landscape before 
him? 

A larger number can be invited to a lawn or gar- 
den party than could be accommodated in the house, 



LAWN PARTIES AND FLOWERS. 69 

and there is much more freedom. The guests should 
be received out of doors, but ladies may go into the 
house to take off their wraps, where a maid should 
be in attendance. It is well to have rugs placed 
around on the lawn for delicate persons. Tents 
should be erected, and refreshments may there be 
served. 

All sorts of out-of-door games should be provided 
for guests, and a platform for dancing built A 
band of music adds much to the spirit of a party. 
! This is not a necessity, as there are so many games 
that dancing may be omitted. Lawn-tennis has 
popularized lawn parties in a great degree. 

When the refreshment is to be served out of 
doors, cold dishes only should be used. Of these 
there is a great variety, salads of all kinds, cold 
meats, jellies, ices, charlottes, cakes. 



yo LAWN PARTIES AND FLOWERS. 



Small tables and camp chairs should be placed 
at intervals about the grounds. If serving the sup- 
per out of doors, requires too great an outlay of time 
and trouble, it can be served in the house. 

Potted plants and flowers may be scattered every- 
where in profusion. The more the better. 

A lawn party is a beautiful spectacle on a bright 
summer day, and is thoroughly enjoyed by young 
and old. They are every year becoming more fash 
ionable. 



FLOWERS. 

Flowers are now used in the most lavish way at 
all entertainments. 

At dinners and luncheons baskets of flowers are 
set on oval or round mirrors on the table ; bouquets 



LAWN PARTIES AND FLOWERS. 71 

tied with handsome ribbon are placed for each 
lady, or a basket of roses or rosebuds, or of any 
flower, is given each lady. 



The fashion of using flowers in profusion on every 
occasion is growing yearly. They are put to many 
new uses, such as sending them as valentines, as 
Easter gifts, and as favors of all kinds. One variety 
for all the bouquets and floral ornaments on the 
table is very effective. 



For a dinner, study tne xasie and character of 
each guest, and place at the side of each lady's plate 
a large bouquet, tied with ribbon, of the flower that 
is particularly appropriate to her character, such as 
tulips, for a gay, handsome matron ; lilies of the val- 



:2 LAWN PARTIES AND FLOWERS. 

lev for a quiet, sweet little woman; Jacqueminots, 
with leaves and long stems, for a fun-loving bru- 
nette, and BO on, adapting the flower to the individ- 
ual. It affords entertainment and much merriment 

Bouquets carried by brides and bridesmaids are 
very lar^e. 







VIII 

©£buts. 






In everything that is done, no matter how trivial, 
there is a right and a wrong way of doing it. The 
writing of a note or letter ; the wording of a regret; 
the prompt or the delayed answering of an invita- 
tion ; the manner of a salutation ; the neglect of a 
required attention — all betray to the well-bred the 
degree or the absence of good breeding. — From the 
French of Miiller. 

A young lady makes her debut in society when 
she has finished her school days and is sufficiently 
educated in the accomplishments of cultivated 



7 1 DfcBUT. 

society. It is generally between the ages of eighteen 
and twenty, although many prefer to remain in 
school still later. If there are older sisters, the 
younger are often kept back for a longer time At 
this time a "coming out party" is given by the 
motner or some friend, for the young lady. 

When the guests are received the young lady 
stands at the left of the mother; congratulations are 
offered her; if there are no brothers, the father 
escorts her to supper; the mother coming last with 
some distinguished gentleman present Calls should 
be made within a week, when the young lady re- 
ceives with her mother. It is a pretty custom to send 
flowers on the day of her first appearance. During 
the first season she is not expected to receive gentle- 
men visitors without a chaperon, although she has 
"entered society." 



DEBUTS. 75 

Young girls sometimes look forward to this event 
with longing. It is said "the lad seldom longs for 
society, but the lass craves it the moment that she 
feels a stir of self consciousness. " 

Before the debut of a young girl, she should not 
attend parties of older people, even when they are 
given by her mother. 

A young girl should not be seen in society at all 
before her debut. There are two good reasons for 
this : Her time is supposed to be wholly taken up 
in pursuing studies that shall fit her for the varied 
requirements of life, and also when a young lady is 
often seen in public the freshness and bloom, so 
fascinating to every one, is gone in a measure, and 
when she does appear in society there is little novelty 
about it. Young women should make a note of 
this. 



76 DfiBUTS. 

No formality is looked for on a young man's 
entering soeiety. His coming is more gradual : lie 
is the escort of the mother or sister long before he 
cares for it himself 

When a young man has returned from college or 
traveling, his mother or sister should leave his card 
with theirs, to insure invitations for him. 




IX 



Chaperons. 



#• •* 
x 



'Who can direct, where all pretend to know." 

— Goldsmith. 






" There is no civilized country in the world where 
so much license is permitted in the intercourse of 
young men and women as in the United States. It 
gives the foreigner traveling here a singular idea 
of American morality, and leads him to think that 
if he had seen young men and women acting to- 
ward each other in France as he had seen young 



7^^ CHAPERONS. 



Americana doing, he would reach a conclusion un- 
favorable to the parity of their relations." — Chape- 
rons for the Girls, by Bhodea 

A chaperon is considered a necessity in English 
society. A mother is naturally the chaperon of her 
daughter, but she cannot always be at liberty to go 
with her. 

A chaperon should be a woman accustomed to 
the usages of good society, and old enough to be 
the mother of young ladies under her charge. 

The practice of a party of young ladies and gen- 
tlemen going off for a pleasure excursion, for a day 
or longer, under the care of a chaperon who is nearly 
their own age, but who may be married, is a perni- 
cious one. She goes merely to make the party 



CHAPERONS. 79 



respectable and never sees any violations of pro- 
priety. Foreigners form the worst judgment of 
American young ladies, as sometimes seen in these 
parties. 

It is generally felt that a chaperon of suitable 
age, is indispensable to the respectability of a party 
of young ladies and gentlemen, or that a young 
lady who is careful of her reputation will not appear 
in public without such an attendant. 

An agreeable, intelligent woman who knows the 
ways of polite society, is fitted to be the best friend 
a young girl may have. 

We do not say that all young ladies need a chap- 
eron. There are many who travel every summer 






go CHAPERONS. 



unprotected, but who never receive the least incivil- 
ity. Tins care does not indicate that these young 
ladies need watching, but it improves the general 
tune of society and gives no occasion for malicious 
gossip. 

A Bad incident recently led to a scathing article 
on the duties of chaperons. A young girl from a 
distant city visited the seashore with a married 
chaperon. She was allowed to go on an evening 
sailing excursion with a college student An empty 
boat that drifted ashore after a sudden storm was 
the only trace ever found of the pair. The chap- 
eron should have firmness and discretion, and, 
above all, should be well chosen, or not at all. 




X 



ladies' puncheon Tarties. 



* * 
* 



'Sit down, and feed, and welcome to our table." 

—As You Like It. 



* * 
* 



The custom of giving luncheon parties for ladies 
has become very general. It is a pleasant and con- 
venient way of paying visits, and seems to be an 
accepted form in social life. This custom, together 
with the day reception, excludes gentlemen from 
society in a degree, many of whom most willingly 
accept any release from social duties of this nature, 
and gladly relegate to their wives and sisters this 
pleasure, reserving the dinner party or evening re- 
ception for fulfilling their social obligations. 



LADIES 1 LUNCHEON PARTIES. 

The following menu for a lunch party comes 
within the ability of an ordinary cook, and although 
not as elaborate as some, it has enough variety and 
display to suit the taste of the average American 
housewife : 

MENU. 

Bouillon. 

Raw Oysters with Lemon, on Oyster plates. 

Fiake Crackers. 

Sweet-breads. French Peas. Currant Jelly. 

Thin slices Eread and Butter. 

Mayonnaise Chicken with Mushrooms. 

Saratoga Chips. 

Biscuit. Coffee. 

Shrimp Salad. Crackers. Cheese. 

Ice Cream. Pound Cake. 

Preserved Ginger. 

Fruit. 



LADIES' LUNCHEON PARTIES. S3 

If too great a number of courses are served the 
guests are kept too long at the table, and the prep- 
aration involves so large an expenditure of time 
and labor that women shrink from undertaking it. 
The idea that largely prevails at the present day, 
that one cannot entertain without entering into all 
kinds of extravagance, debars many from society 
who have the gift of entertaining, and who would 
gladly do so were it not made burdensome. 

Luncheons are served a la Russe. Twelve is a good 
number for a lunch party. If all are seated at one 
table, the hostess should sit at the end to pour the 
tea and coffee, and one of the family, or a friend 
opposite, to serve such dishes as are placed before 
her. When it is desirable to invite a larger num- 
ber, small tables may be arranged in the dining- 
room and those adjoining, where guests may be 



s 4 LADIES' LUNCHEON PARTIES. 

seated Lunch should be served in nearly the same 
manner as dinner a la Russe, but less formality is 
expected. Everything about the table should be 
dainty. The waitress passes each dish of a course 
to the left of the guest. The table is arranged the 
same as for dinner — flowers in the center, and 
bouquets or favors for each guest. Also a card 
bearing the name should be placed at each plate, 
together with knives, forks and spoons for the sev- 
eral courses. Ladies find their seats from the cards 
placed upon the table. With the last course finger 
bowls, w r ith plates and doyleys, are placed for each 
guest When fruit is finished, dip the fingers in 
the water and wipe them on the napkin. The host- 
ess rises, which is a sign for all to do so. 

An hour and a half or two hours should be the 
limit of time at table. Ladies wear the same toilet 



LADIES* LUNCHEON PARTIES. 85 

as at a day reception. Street costumes are much 
worn on these occasions. 

It adds pleasure and zest when the luncheon is 
given in honor of some friend, or " to meet " a dis- 
tinguished stranger, an author, or musician, and 
helps to decide who shall be invited, as it is 
most desirable to bring together women of similar 
tastes. 



XJ 

l^ules and 3/la;dms. 

Always learn to think and act for yourself. u Learn 
to say no ; it will be of more service to you than to be 
able to read Latin." 

Men should keep their eyes wide open before 
marriage, and half shut afterward. _mllk. Scudkri. 

A man is, in general, better pleased when he has 
a good dinner upon his table, than when his wife 

Speaks Greek. _ Sa m Johnson. 

Johnson was right Although some men adore 
Wisdom in women, and with wisdom cram her, 

There isn't one in ten but thinks far more 

Of his own grub than of his spouse's grammar. 

— John G. Saxr. 



RULES AND MAXIMS. 87 

Man is continually saying to woman, " Why are 
you not more wise ?" Woman is continually saying 
to man, " Why are you not more loving ?" Unless 
each is both wise and loving there can be no real 

growth. -Thoreau. 

A house is no home unless it contains food and 
fire for the mind as well as the body. 

Margaret Fuller. 

Be a good listener. To appear interested in the 
conversation of others is a mark of good breeding. 
" There is something better than the gift of tongue i 
it is the gift of holding the tongue." 

" Cheerfulness is the bright weather of the heart" 
Pleasant, cheerful conversation should be the rule 
at the table. It is a breach of good breeding for 
one member of the family to sit down to the table 
and silently read the daily paper. 



SS RULES AND MAXIMS. 

Never show impatience. Always defend the ab- 
sent person as far as truth will admit. 

" Self-denial is the secret of true politeness." 

Always keep the brightest part of the house for 
the family rooms. 

Never quite live up to your income. 

Do not anticipate trouble and worry about what 
may never happen. Keep in the sunlight 

Julian Hawthorne says, " The test of a man is 
not whether he can govern a kingdom single-handed, 
but whether his private life is tender and beneficent, 
and his wife and children happy. 

To be thoroughly English is the fashion now-a- 
days, but the English rules for politeness in many 
things cannot be adopted by us as a nation We 
are a cosmopolitan people, and must be a little more 



RULES AND MAXIMS. 89 

liberal in our ideas of decorum, considering the 
great variety of nationalities among us. This grow- 
ing fondness for everything that is English, "you 
know," may help us in certain directions, but good 
sense should teach us that rules of "etiquette" can- 
not be the same where, for generations, the style of 
living has been so widely different 

" If manners are the outward exhibition of benev- 
olence, the facts show that when the most aristocratic 
nation in the world is compared, as to manners, with 
the most democratic, the judgment of strangers is in 
favor of the latter." 

The manners of England, or France, or Germany 
alone, would not be suitable for our country ; we 
may have a little of each — say the best from each 



90 



RULES AND MAXIMS. 



— to make up the grand total for our free America, 
where people of all climes and tongues, come to make 
their homes. 

11 The records of the courts of France and Ger- 
many, in and succeeding the brilliant reign of Louis 
XIV — a period which was deemed the acme of ele- 
gance and refinement— exhibits a grossness, a vul- 
garity, and a coarseness not to be found among the 
lowest of our respectable poor." 





XII 



etter r \A/ritirv 




* 



4 Know what's right ; not only so, 
But always practice what you know." 



# * 
* 



It is said that the handwriting indicates charac- 
ter; therefore write an open, plain hand, without 
flourishes. Above all, spell correctly. Use black 
ink. Never send a slovenly- written note to any 
one ; take time to write neatly and plainly. Never 
use ruled paper for a letter or note if possible. 
Choice quality in paper and envelopes, indicates 
refinement. 



9^ LETTER WRITING. 

Never use numerals, as 1, 2, 3, but write out — 
one, two, three. Use sealing wax when convenient; 
it is more elegant than to moisten the envelope when 
sealing a letter. Letter paper often has the address 
nicely printed at the top of the page ; it has a neat 
appearance and is good style 

Always acknowledge by note any courtesy or 
kindness. Exchanging notes on business or pleas- 
ure is a good custom, as much valuable time can be 
saved by so doing in a city of distances. 

It is a fine accomplishment to be able to express 
one's self gracefully in a note or letter. It is largely 
a gift, but may be acquired by careful practice. 

Notes of sympathy to bereaved friends should be 
sent at once, with flowers if you choose. Do not 
expect answers. After a time such notes may be 



LETTER WRITING. 



93 



answered or not. It is a delicate matter to write 
letters of this character. The commonplace expres- 
sions of condolence are not what one wants ; honest 
sympathy is what is needed. Better write cheer- 
fully of what remains for a friend to do than dwell 
in a harrowing way over their affliction. . 

When answering an invitation, it should always 
be in the third person, as " Mr. and Mrs. Smith ac- 
cept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and 
Mrs. Brown. 

Nothing marks the fine distinction between con- 
ventional and unconventional models more com- 
pletely than the signature of a note or letter. When 
writing in the third person, of course use Miss, or 
Mrs., as a prefix. A woman's name, as it is legally 
written, never includes either. Sign your full name 



94 



LETTER WRITING. 



in notes or letters written in the first person, and, ii 
writing to a stranger, write out your formal address 
in full at the bottom of the page, enclosed in a par- 
enthesis. It is also conventional to enclose your 
engraved visiting card, which is the most formal 
representative of your personality, when you desire 
to send your address, in every instance, except in a 
strictly business letter, where, of course, it would be 
out of place. In a formal note, invitation, or reply, 
the place, the time, or both, are given at the lower 
left-hand corner. The year is commonly omitted. 
The position of these details indicates the difference 
between the formal and informal note. It is in much 
better taste for a young girl to use the third person 
in most cases. No man who respects etiquette can 
find fault with her for doing so. The delicacy in a 
girl's life is like the bloom on the peach. Do not 



LETTER WRITING. 95 

give your signature to careless masculine hands to 
be paraded about A note in the third person is 
incapable of misconstruction. It is a fine compli- 
ment to a man to show him that you consider him 
no stranger to etiquette, and a delicate reserve is 
appreciated by all true men of the world. 



HOW: 



A BOOK OF 

Manners and Social Customs. 




ROCHESTER, N. Y. 

SCRANTOM, WETMORE & CO., 
1894. 












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